


Cocks Everywhere...But it's not what you think.

by SarcasticSmiler



Series: Procrastinating One Shots [17]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, Kid Ori Fili and Kili, M/M, this is pre-Nwalin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-11 00:56:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7018165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarcasticSmiler/pseuds/SarcasticSmiler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'“Hey Bilbo! Can I wipe my cock with your jacket?!”<br/>Tripping over his own feet, Nori came to a rather abrupt halt.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cocks Everywhere...But it's not what you think.

**Author's Note:**

> This was something I started to write months ago as something silly to pass the time, now I've finished it as an attempt to claw my way out of the rut I seem to find myself in.  
> Honestly it's not the best quality, but quite frankly I'm too pleased over the fact that I managed to actually write something to care.

They were walking down the street, the sun surprisingly warm for the late autumn day, Ori’s little hand tucked in his, when he heard it.

“Hey Bilbo! Can I wipe my cock with your jacket?!”

Tripping over his own feet, Nori came to a rather abrupt halt. Ori didn’t notice his brother blinking in shock, nor did he pay any particular attention to the fact that they were now standing still on the pavement. He was much more interested in the pair of magpies hopping about the tables of a nearby café.

“Really, Dwalin?” Nori could only assume the thoroughly exasperated tone belonged to ‘Bilbo’. “One of these days you’ll have to buy your own, y’know.”

“And why would I do that when I’ve got you?”

Nori chanced a glance over the empty road to the town hall’s carpark. Two men were standing by an old mini; the smaller, plumper of the two stood with his hands on his hips, glaring at the taller with what could arguably be called fond exasperation. His taller, utterly bald, yet bearded, counterpart grinned.

“Fine!” ‘Bilbo’ threw his hands in the air before tugging off his maroon velvet jacket, “But I want it straight back once you’re done.”

“Of course, I’ll wipe my little laddie down then get it straight back to you.”

Nori was so painfully intrigued, he want to go over there and see what was going on. But with Ori swinging from his hand and all this talk of cock, he didn’t think it’d be appropriate, even if it was the middle of the day. As he stood there, torn between sating his curiosity and avoiding Dori’s wrath, a small boy, no older than Ori, hurtled out of the doors and towards the two men.

“Uncle Bilbo!”

The plump man let out an _oof!_ as the speeding bundle of limbs collided with his legs.

“Yes, Kíli? What’s happened now?”

“Uncle Thorin is glaring at that Azog guy again, and Gimli might have sorta, kinda, accidentally let Thranduil’s cock out.”

Nori choked on his own spit at that while Dwalin snorted a laugh and Bilbo sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Just once I’d like one of these things to go right,” he groused, taking a deep breath, he squared his shoulders and seemed to mentally steel himself for what was to come, “Right, you go in and sort your boy out, and you, you little munchkin, are going to take me to your cousin so we can sort this mess out _before_ your Uncle Thorin can start gloating about being able to keep his own cock contained while Thranduil can’t.”

Watching the three head back into the hall, Nori chewed on his lower lip. Surely, he reasoned, if there were other children in there, then Dori couldn’t fault him too much if Ori came home spouting off stories about seeing cocks that day.

Nodding to himself, Nori tugged on Ori’s little hand, “Come on, kid, let’s see what’s going on in the town hall today.”

“Ok!” Ori chirped, skipping next to Nori as they crossed the road.

Nori froze after stepping over the threshold, taking in the sight before him.

Whatever ideas he’d entertained were wrong. So very, _very_ wrong.

Spread out on trestle tables before him were cages of different sizes.

Nori stared in disbelief at what was inside of them.

Chickens.

Honest to god, clucking, crowing, _chickens_.

Ori let out a squeak of delight, tugging his hand from Nori’s lax grip to dart over to what Nori could only describe as a giant ball of orange feathers.

“Hello.”

Nori jumped, blurting out a “Good afternoon.”

“Yes, I suppose it is,” a kind smile was sent Nori’s way as the older man glanced out of the open door, “Though I fear it may rain later.”

Nori could only blink at the man before him, his brain not quite catching up.

“I’ve not seen you here before?” the kind smile was unwavering, “Are you new to the club or just a curious passerby?”

“Curious passerby?” Nori hedged, gesturing at Ori who was kneeling on the floor before the giant feather ball, deep in conversation with the dark haired lad who’d run out earlier and a slightly older blond boy, “My little brother, er, he, um, likes birds. Should they be walking around free like that?”

“They’re perfectly fine, I can assure you, Bombur’s orpingtons don’t go far.”

“What is going on here, exactly?” Nori asked after overhearing a voice scold _leave your cock alone, you_ _’ll over fluff him the way you_ _’re going!_

“Oh it’s the local poultry show, last one of the year so everyone’s a bit more tense than usual as it’s their last chance for a rosette till next spring.”

“Poultry show? You guys are showing chickens?”

“Of course!” Balin chuckled good-naturedly.

“Nori!” Ori cried excitedly, grabbing his brother’s hand.

“Yeah?” turning to his little brother Nori quirked an eyebrow at the two lads that had followed him.

“It’s so cool here! This is Fíli and Kíli,” Ori’s rapid-fire words made it a little hard for Nori to keep up, “This is a competition thing and they show chickens and Fíli has one in and its _really_ pretty, it’s called a cham-, um, cham…”

“Chamois,” the blond, Fíli, supplied, grinning slightly.

“Yeah! That! A chamois polish and it’s all gold and cream and has a _huge_ hat and…”

“Breathe, Ori!” Nori laughed.

“You have to come see, Nori!” Ori urged, tugging Nori’s hand.

“Alright, alright, I’m coming,” Nori smiled, turning back to the older gentleman, “It seems I’m needed somewhere.”

“It would seem so, if you’re interested we do accept junior members.”

“Oh, I don’t know…”

“Just have a think about it and come find me if you have any questions.”

“Ok,” Nori said as he finally relented to Ori’s tugging and followed the three lads to the cages by the orange feather balls.

“Look, Nori, isn’t she really pretty,” Ori said, pointing at one of the cages.

“Yeah, she is,” he agreed, smiling as Ori and Kíli grinned and Fíli puffed up with pride.

Leaning a little closer to the cage, Nori could see the appeal for his brother. The bird truly was pretty with it’s golden colouring, but still he couldn’t help but wonder how the thing could actually _see_ past all those feathers.

“Lads? Are you bothering people again?” a rough voice asked behind Nori, making him jump. He knew that voice.

“’Course not, Uncle Dwalin,” Fíli grinned up at the big man, who seemed so much bigger and wider than he did when Nori spied him across the road, “Me and Kíli were making a new friend.”

“Yeah!” Kíli chimed in, looping his arm with Ori’s he tugged the small boy from Nori’s side, “This is Ori and his brother, he likes Fíli’s hen.”

“You’d probably like my cock better though,” Fíli mused, thoroughly unaware of the effect his words had as Nori choked on air again, Dwalin quirking an eyebrow at him, “But I couldn’t bring him ‘cause he broke some of his tail feathers yesterday.”

“What does that matter?” Ori asked, head cocked to the side like a bemused puppy.

“Broken tail feathers gets you disqualified,” Kíli stated rather matter of factly, “But don’t worry, Fíli, I’m sure you’ll win with just her.”

“You alright there?” Dwalin asked, nudging Nori with his elbow, a teasing smile showing through his beard, “You’re looking a bit flushed.”

“I’m fine, just need a drink, I think,” Nori managed to get out, smiling reassuringly at Ori who’d turned wide worried eyes on him.

“Think you can take care of Ori there while I show his brother to Bilbo’s kitchen?” Dwalin asked, receiving eager nods from both lads.

“Ori? Will you be alright?” Nori asked, the speed with which his normally shy little brother had taken to the two lads had thrown him for a loop.

“Yeah, I’ll be alright,” Ori smiled.

“Kitchen’s this way,” Dwalin said with a jerk of his head, “Name’s Dwalin, by the way.”

“Nori,” he automatically answered, shaking the large, tattooed hand offered to him, he finally took notice of the small, black cockerel in the big man’s other hand. “Um…”

“Oh! This is Grasper,” Dwalin introduced, running a finger over the glossy black feathers.

“He has a beard.”

“Best beard in the show, I’ll have you know!” Dwalin bragged, fluffing up the feathers under Grasper’s beak.

Nori was, admittedly, rather amazed that the bird just sat in Dwalin’s hand, making what he could only assume were happy chicken noises.

“If you say so.”

“His brother, Keeper, has a slightly better one,” Dwalin lamented, “But the sod decided to go into moult and has lost all his tail feathers. He’s a d’anver, not a damn du grubbe.”

“I have absolutely no idea what you just said,” Nori admitted.

Before Dwalin could explain he was interrupted by the short, plump man from earlier, leaning over a counter.

“Dwalin! Where’s my jacket?!”

“I gave it to Thorin!” Dwalin quickly defended, free hand going palm out in surrender.

“And where, pray tell, is that husband of mine?”

“I don’t know, he was meant to be coming straight here, but he _may_ have passed Thranduil on the way.”

“If they’re arguing over who has the more majestic cock again, I _swear_ I’ll knock their heads together,” Bilbo ground out, pinching the bridge of his nose. Nori had a sneaking suspicion it was a fairly common occurrence for the smaller man.

“Thranduil does _not_ have a more majestic cock than Thorin, his is pretty, sure, but not _majestic_ ,” Dwalin spluttered, rather affronted at the notion.

“Have I stepped into the world of the weird and wonderful or something?” Nori asked, trying and failing to keep up with the conversation.

“Oh!” Bilbo looked up in surprise, “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there. Dwalin, you great hulking giant, move and introduce us.”

“Nori, this is Bilbo. Bilbo, this is Nori.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Bilbo smiled, offering Nori his hand.

“Likewise.”

“Dwalin, best get him back in his cage, looks like the judges are ready to start making the rounds,” Bilbo said, nodding to a pair of odd looking older men.

“I’ll be right back.”

“He’s single, y’know.”

Nori’s head turned back to the smiling Bilbo so quickly he could’ve sworn he’d almost given himself whiplash.

“What?”

“Oh come now, I know an interested gaze when I see one.”

“I…” to Nori’s absolute horror heat spread up his neck to tinge his cheeks.

“So, what brought you to our little show today?” Bilbo asked, grinning at the blush stealing over Nori’s cheeks even as he changed the subject.

“Well, in all honesty, I heard…someone shouting about cocks and was curious,” Nori shrugged, desperately willing the heat to leave his cheeks.

“You’ve never encountered the poultry community before, have you?”

“Nope, it’s a bit of an eye opener.”

“It certainly is. All these men showing off their cocks and not an ounce of pornography to be seen,” Bilbo grinned.

"So do you do any of that," Nori asked, gesturing at all the cages.

"Goodness no," Bilbo chuckled, "All that primping and fuss, I've my Bluebell girls for the eggs that I'll occasionally show, but otherwise I keep to the kitchen and away from all that ridiculousness."

"Bluebells?"

"A type of hybrid."

"There's more than one?"

"So many more," Bilbo smiled, the quirk of lips turning more scheming when Dwalin came into view, leaning down to whisper in Thorin's ear as they watched the judges, "So, Dwalin's a handsome chap, wouldn't you say, rather rugged with all those muscles and tattoos."

"I suppose," Nori conceded, eyeing Bilbo suspiciously, the man seemed to be more meddling than Dori.

"Uncle Bilbo! Uncle Bilbo!"

The pair turned to see Kíli running towards them, weaving between adults, Fíli and Ori close on his heels.

"What did I tell you about running in the hall?"  Bilbo asked, fists planted on his hips.

"Not to?" Kíli answered with a sheepish smile, boot scuffing the floor as he ducked his head.

"Exactly, now then what did you want to tell me?"

Instantly Kíli perked up, positively beaming at Bilbo as he crowed, "Fíli got first place!"

"Oh well done, my boy!" Bilbo congratulated even as Nori sent a confused look to the two judges still looking at birds.

"But how when they're still over there?" he asked.

"The Juniors are judged by Mr. Hamfast," Ori piped up, surprising Nori, "The others get judged by Mr. Gandalf and Mr. Rada...um.."

"Radagast," Fíli finished.

"Huh, well congrats on the win then."

"Thanks."

"Nori?"

"Yeah?"

"D'you think Dori will let me have some chickens in the garden?"

"I dunno, kid, maybe?"

"If he joins the club then he'll have an excuse to at least look into it," Dwalin's deep voice came from behind him, making Nori jump and spin round to look up at the big man grinning down at him, "Gives you an excuse to come back again, too."

"What makes you think I want to come back?" Nori challenged.

Dwalin just cocked an eyebrow.

Nori proceed to curse his body as it betrayed him, a light flush burning his cheeks.

"I could join?" Ori gasped.

"You want to?" Nori asked him, dragging his eyes away from Dwalin's to look at his little brother, "You'll have to actually talk to people y'know."

Looking back at Fíli and Kíli, the younger hanging off the older's shoulder, Ori nodded, "Yeah, I...I think I can do that."

Nori was taken aback for a moment, his shy little brother actually _wanted_ to join a social club.

"Ok, we'll join you up then."

"I'll take you to my brother," Dwalin offered, resting his large, warm hand on Nori's shoulder, "He's over this way I think."

Twenty minutes later, Nori had all the forms filled out, the small fee paid, and Dwalin’s number programmed in his phone.

“So, kid, that was fun aye?” he grinned down at Ori as they left the hall, Ori’s little hand once more folded in his own.

“Yeah! It was the best day _ever_!”

“It _was_ pretty good,” Nori agreed, feeling rather proud of himself.

He’d successfully gotten his shy little brother to socialise and join a club. Surely that’d get him some brownie points with Dori. He even had the potential for a respectable date, someone Dori couldn’t really turn his nose up at. Nori was positive Dori would be happy about all they’d done that day.

“Do you think Dori will let me go round Fíli and Kíli’s house?”

“Sure, I don’t see why he wouldn’t.”

“Brilliant! They said I could play with their cocks! Kíli’s only got a little one, but he’s training it for the Spring Show and Fíli has a more grown up one, but you still need to hold and play with it to keep them tame and docile.”

Nori groaned.

He was wrong.

Dori was going to kill him.

**Author's Note:**

> So some explanations might be in order?  
> Wiping down a black chicken with velvet does actually help to bring out the shine in their feathers (my father has asked to wipe his cock on a friend's pair of trousers more times than I care to count)  
> Unfortunately I've not exaggerated the poultry community in this fic.  
> These are the birds I thought would fit those in this fic, in case you were wondering -  
> Thorin - [Sumatra](http://www.chickenforum.com/images/4/4/4/sumatra.jpg).  
> Dwalin - [Black Belgian Barbu D'Anver](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b7/84/98/b784982258583059d83d37dd514590c3.jpg).  
> Thranduil - [Pile Modern Game](http://www.slimshader.co.uk/mg3piles.jpg).  
> Fili - [Chamois Polish](http://orchardpoultry.co.uk/perch/resources/1355794605polandchamois1big.jpg).  
> Bombur - [Buff Orpington](https://exburyeggdotcom.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/buff_4450.jpg).  
> Bilbo - [Bluebell Hybrids](http://www.practicalpoultry.co.uk/yabbfiles/Attachments/bluebell.jpg).  
> I went through all the damn poultry standards books we have in the house to come up with these...well apart from Bilbo's, I just thought he'd have something more flowery, and Bluebells are lovely hens.


End file.
